The Coffee Beans

I have always found a bag of coffee beans in conjunction with a cool set of novelty mugs or a plunger to be a great hit as an ideal gift pack. Just about everyone I know and usually the person for whom I'm buying for, just so happens to drink a lot of coffee and simply can’t do without their continual caffeine fix from day to day. I don’t know about you, but have you ever seen anyone on the verge of a mental fit if they don’t get their coffee especially first thing in the morning – ooh, it’s nasty and my advice is that you best steer clear, well out of the way.

Who can I think of right now?

Oh wait a minute… that’s me!

So back to the coffee beans… my better half, we’ll call him the Coffee King for now, prefers the beans rather than ground for one purpose, quality assurance. Of course that is assuming that you have purchased a coffee brand that has a decent reputation or better still, direct from your local coffee roaster as like anything else, the fresher the better – right?! I may as well mention now that ideally roasted beans should be consumed within a ten day period, so if you're about to head out to the supermarket to grab yourself a fresh batch you may as well forget it!

With the amount of beautifully presented bags of coffee that we have gifted over the years we came to the realisation of two things.

1. We probably would’ve been better off to invest in coffee shares on the worldwide market! (The Coffee King certainly would've loved to sit smack bang in the middle of a plantation or two!)

2. The continuous enquiries from receivers of our gifts on how to best store the beans.

The proud Coffee King wastes no time at all explaining and giving instructions to whomever the enquirer was by responding with an in depth solution which lasted for at least ten minutes on the phone. I mean come on... how long does it take to say a mere few words, it's not rocket science!

I would hear this scenario, over and over, like a broken record, forever and ever, on and on… do you get the picture?

So one day, after the Coffee King gets off the phone for the third time to the same person answering the same questions… AGAIN… I said to him “why don’t we (which really meant me) make up little message notes on how to store your coffee beans and insert them in the gift packs from now on?”. He agreed, although possibly more relieved and thus… that’s exactly what we did.

We had kind of shot ourselves in the foot really, as quite frankly I would have happily sought different types of presents from that point onwards, however, it had almost become a tradition that we had set for ourselves unknowingly at first and therefore the expectations rose and continues to rise each year. Damn… should’ve thought about that one a lot better at first huh!

Anyway, blow me over and knees up mother brown I decided then and there...SO BE IT... and seeing as there was no point in crying over spilt milk I just knew at the time that this could be easily fixed. I drafted the message note, slapped it onto a word doc, duplicated it by 6 to a page, stole an image of coffee beans off the net and quietly slipped that into the background, printed it off, cropped and laminated then voila – hey presto espresso… it’s a done deal!. As an additional bonus we now include coffee fridge magnets (so cheap to buy in bulk thanks to the “made in china” brands) to hold the messages so they never get lost hence the no more phone calls!

Spruce up your day by adding a dash of colour to your coffee each morning! What a great supernova of colours by Bodum... I truly believe that all of these would top off the wow factor upon my kitchen benchtop... sadly, the coffee king disagrees!

Anyway, back to my story so read on to see what I created in the message note as apart of our coffee bean gift packs!

Here is what I concocted, word for word, on the note:

A message from your coffee beans:

To greatly enhance the satisfaction of pleasing your palate with our full bodied flavour along with our hidden addictive qualities and magical soothing properties we recommend you do the following:

1. Gently insert us into an airtight container and if you really want us to produce a miracle upon your next brew then we strongly suggest that we are stored at the ideal temperatures of 15-30’C.

2. We don’t like the sunlight… at all… we’ve been baked enough thanks and proudly show off our espresso tan quite nicely. Besides, any further exposure to the light and we’ll simply dehydrate rapidly. How would you like it if you sat out in the sun for hours and finished up looking like a dried out prune… not pretty huh!

3. We also hate the cold, so don’t even think of putting us in your fridge or freezer, what are you trying to do, chill us to the core and zap every ounce of flavour and body from within us. Good one guys… top marks for you!

4. We love to adapt and cling onto other scents lingering around in your cupboard or pantry so if you’re planning on placing us right next to your strongest smelling foodstuffs such as garlic, onion, herbs and spices then don’t be surprised if you experience our specialty coffees such as 'chilli con latte' or a "curried flat white" on your next dose! Keep us separated because we definitely love to flirt given the chance.

5. We are whole coffee beans and like you we are embodied with the perfect balance of natural oils and gases. So in order for us to satisfy you, we ask that you only ground what is needed for the next brew, as once we have transformed into ground it is vital that you use us immediately or at least within about 4 minutes. So get cracking... as there is minimal time for you muck about! Surely, it is plainly obvious that there is no need to be so greedy and take too many of us, for the longer we sit around which we do detest by the way the more we will lose our special inbuilt qualities that you so need and desire.

6. For a rough measurement on a per cup basis, a good handful will definitely allow us to give you a whopping kick in the pants whereas a small handful will certainly create a pleasant amosphere or mild awakening. We have no preference on strength so it is completely up to you.

Important Note: Should you fail to follow the steps above then we take no responsibility whatsoever for the experience that you are about to embark on which may include consuming a “crap cup of coffee” that we will quite happily produce for you at any given time.

One More Thing: If all else fails… we will not be insulted if you go ahead and grab that jar of instant coffee that’s sitting on your shelf and furthermore we will not regard you as being another big fake Wanna-Be Coffee Connoisseur!

Have a happy coffee day :)

There you have it, pretty basic and simple but gets the job done. I am happy to inform you all that since we have given out the new version of the coffee beans gift pack it has come to no surprise that the phone has been a little bit quieter... hmm... funny that.

Now lastly, I do have one confession to make to you all seeing as you've taken the time to read this entire script as I feel it's only fair to be honest, upfront and straight to the point. What I am about to say may shock you, so do prepare yourself, maybe sit down if you're not already seated and take in a couple of deep breaths (and don't forget to breathe out) as the information you are about to read has to do with my habitual daily intake of coffee.

I drink it every day without fail.

I drink it only once a day in the morning.

And although the Coffee King continues to display his disgust, disappointment and disapproval.

I drink powdered instant coffee…always have… and always will!

By Nan.

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